Weady, Set, Summur Camp.

Monday through Friday I play with kids all day.

Woah, woah, woah!...... I also wear a green shirt.

This is my third year as a camp counselor, and I do it for the moms er, um I mean the kids.

These kids and their small hands push me to my edge every day. 91% of them are atrocious at sports, they sing 99 bottles on the wall (they average about 42 bottles every song so just put that into perspective) along with the chart-topping "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves," and finally they can't pronounce their r's. Yes, the infamous r's. Talking to a kid for six hours who thinks that r's are w's and the word "fwiend" and "wed sox playur sillyband" can get annoying faster than a nose bleed. Talking to these kids is like constantly shaking someone else's hand who has 4 fingers, however they treat their handshake like a normal 5 fingered one. It's one of those things that just gets on your nerves and you don't really know why....."Hi nice to meet you sir....woah where did your pinky go?"

The typical afternoon for me consists of forcing kids to finish their lunch and sit still, followed by a game that I probably thought was fun when I was 8, then I got too cool for it when I was 15, but now at 18, this game is the shit. It's called Irish Bocce, or kid bowling. The object of the game is to roll (DO NOT THROW OR KICK THE BALLS OR YOU WILL SIT ON THE SIDE FOR THE ENTIRE GAME...and watch me single handidly win the game for my team) yes, ROLL the balls to the other side of the gym and knock down the opposing team's plastic bowling pins that rest on the opposite baseline on the other side of the gym. You cannot cross the middle line (DO NOT CROSS THE MIDDLE LINE OR YOU WONT BE ABLE TO PLAY ANYMORE....ZACH! ARE YOU LISTENING? NO YOU'RE NOT. WHAT DID I JUST SAY).

Ready go.

The frenzy begins on the blow of a whistle and the kids sprint to the middle of the court diving for balls. I hang back because I know my chance will come. 5 minutes into the game: "Teddy, Teddy, thwow this one!" A camper says bringing me a soccer ball. Well if you insist...in seconds the ball is out of my hand zooming across the gym floor and knocking down one of the opposing team's pins. All in a days work...

Then later in the game, a camper will bring me a red jelly ball that looks like this, except AT LEAST 3 TIMES THE SIZE! I grab it with two hands and viciously roll it towards another pin.

Uh oh, shit, dammit, what the hell is this kids name, umm uh LOOK OUT! Too late.

The 7 year old meets giant big red ball and the big red ball won. The innocent 7 year old was merely running across the gym aimlessly, when the ball that I rolled basically snowballs this kid with it. Whoops. Then the water works come and I have to make the kid feel better instantly, so I sprint across the gym and spin the kid around on my shoulders 4 times so he'll instantly feel better and stop crying. Call me the doctur.

Then after Irish Bocce, we'll make some lame craft like decorating picture frames with dried macaroni. This was something I thought was lame at ages 8, 15, and 18.

Then finally when all the glue is washed off the kids faces and after they make their daily 4th trip to the bathroom (their bladders are the size of golf balls) the best part of the day comes around: sign-out.

You know its sign-out time when the minivans start coming down the road. After 4 weeks of doing sign-out I now know that the "m" in minivan stands for "milf," which is why I voluntarily choose to do sign-out every day. The mommy's stroll out of their minivans, sunglasses and all and start walking towards me. I swear it sometimes seems like this is in slow motion. Camp policy is that parents (or guardians to stay politically correct) provide counselors with an ID during sign out so we know we're no releasing the kids to someone else. Counselor policy (inspired by me) is to spit game with these mom's. I only have a couple seconds to do so. I have to think quickly.

"Yeah Hunter had a great time today, but I probably had more fun haha." Check
"Yup tomorrow is water day so make sure they have a bathing suit, towel, and a smile" Swing and a miss
"Morgan did awesome today, she helped win Irish Bocce for her team, then we celebrated with champagne." Strike 2

I'm always better than that because I usually have 20 chances to spit my game in the afternoon during sign-out and usually land 15 or so deliveries. Hopefully I'll be up to 100% by the conclusion of the summur.

This is my goal to perform with the kids by the end of the summer...