Happy 234th Birthday

The United States is turning 234 this weekend. If Thomas Jefferson were to come back alive today, I don't know if he would be happy or not with what he created.

For instance, 15 year olds are controlling the music charts with songs sung about infants. The only men that wear stockings in the 21st century are gay ...sorry had to be done. The Declaration of Independence that they worked on for months and months was stolen by Nicholas Cage. And finally, Pittsburgh has a baseball team. What atrocities.

Our founding fathers spent countless hours fighting for our freedoms against ass hole British soldiers in the snow and rain and then created documents that would shape our countries framework for the rest of eternity all under a candle lit flame.

If Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Ben Franklin, John Hancock, Kirby Puckett and other distinguished members who wrote our constitution came back today, I would love to go to the same beach where the Corona commercials are filmed and just kick back with them as they play paper football with limes and two bottles of Corona while swimsuit models walk in front of us. Just so I can say congratulations.

But what if these founding fathers magically transported to 2010? What would you want to see? What would be interesting conversations and situations with modern day Americans?

Since I already called dibs on the "Corona beach" idea here are some others...

Music Video with Paul Wall & George Washington:
We know Paul Wall raps about his diamond studded retainers otherwise known as "grillz," but instead of another cameo Snoop Dogg verse that would almost seem like hyperbole, wouldn't you love a verse by our nation's first president? After all, he did have wooden teeth. Getting another perspective on different orthodontic apparatuses in one rap song would be very entertaining.

Thomas Jefferson doing a "Just For Men" hair commercial:
Watching TJ do anything with electronics would be hysterical because the only entertainment he had back then was pushing a wheel around with a stick. Watching Jefferson, Keith Hernandez, and Walt Fraiser talk about how take the gray out of your hair (wig) would be hilarious. Jefferson would have to go to "Just for Men" rehab because he would use it so much to take the white hair out of his wig.

Ben Franklin in a "Airplanes" Video with B.o.B and Haley Williams:
So instead of "airplanes," Franklin would use his kite. Although this situation may require a little bit of historical knowledge about how Ben Franklin discovered electricity, the line "Can we pretend that keys & kites in the night sky are shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now," would be funny. But watching Franklin in a music video struggling with his kite and key in the middle of a midnight thunderstorm would be priceless. I can only imagine the camaraderie that him and Haley Williams would have.

So as we celebrate the accomplishments of our founding fathers this weekend by lighting shit on fire, think about what it would be like if they were right next to you pressuring you to strap a firecracker to your firecracker. Or light a room full of sparklers in your grandparents beach house. Or dress up like their boy Uncle Sam all just to scare little kids. Not only would it be extremely awkward to be peer pressured by John Hancock and other revolutionary notables, it would be patriotically awesome.

happy 4th...