Weady, Set, Summur Camp.

Monday through Friday I play with kids all day.

Woah, woah, woah!...... I also wear a green shirt.

This is my third year as a camp counselor, and I do it for the moms er, um I mean the kids.

These kids and their small hands push me to my edge every day. 91% of them are atrocious at sports, they sing 99 bottles on the wall (they average about 42 bottles every song so just put that into perspective) along with the chart-topping "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves," and finally they can't pronounce their r's. Yes, the infamous r's. Talking to a kid for six hours who thinks that r's are w's and the word "fwiend" and "wed sox playur sillyband" can get annoying faster than a nose bleed. Talking to these kids is like constantly shaking someone else's hand who has 4 fingers, however they treat their handshake like a normal 5 fingered one. It's one of those things that just gets on your nerves and you don't really know why....."Hi nice to meet you sir....woah where did your pinky go?"

The typical afternoon for me consists of forcing kids to finish their lunch and sit still, followed by a game that I probably thought was fun when I was 8, then I got too cool for it when I was 15, but now at 18, this game is the shit. It's called Irish Bocce, or kid bowling. The object of the game is to roll (DO NOT THROW OR KICK THE BALLS OR YOU WILL SIT ON THE SIDE FOR THE ENTIRE GAME...and watch me single handidly win the game for my team) yes, ROLL the balls to the other side of the gym and knock down the opposing team's plastic bowling pins that rest on the opposite baseline on the other side of the gym. You cannot cross the middle line (DO NOT CROSS THE MIDDLE LINE OR YOU WONT BE ABLE TO PLAY ANYMORE....ZACH! ARE YOU LISTENING? NO YOU'RE NOT. WHAT DID I JUST SAY).

Ready go.

The frenzy begins on the blow of a whistle and the kids sprint to the middle of the court diving for balls. I hang back because I know my chance will come. 5 minutes into the game: "Teddy, Teddy, thwow this one!" A camper says bringing me a soccer ball. Well if you insist...in seconds the ball is out of my hand zooming across the gym floor and knocking down one of the opposing team's pins. All in a days work...

Then later in the game, a camper will bring me a red jelly ball that looks like this, except AT LEAST 3 TIMES THE SIZE! I grab it with two hands and viciously roll it towards another pin.

Uh oh, shit, dammit, what the hell is this kids name, umm uh LOOK OUT! Too late.

The 7 year old meets giant big red ball and the big red ball won. The innocent 7 year old was merely running across the gym aimlessly, when the ball that I rolled basically snowballs this kid with it. Whoops. Then the water works come and I have to make the kid feel better instantly, so I sprint across the gym and spin the kid around on my shoulders 4 times so he'll instantly feel better and stop crying. Call me the doctur.

Then after Irish Bocce, we'll make some lame craft like decorating picture frames with dried macaroni. This was something I thought was lame at ages 8, 15, and 18.

Then finally when all the glue is washed off the kids faces and after they make their daily 4th trip to the bathroom (their bladders are the size of golf balls) the best part of the day comes around: sign-out.

You know its sign-out time when the minivans start coming down the road. After 4 weeks of doing sign-out I now know that the "m" in minivan stands for "milf," which is why I voluntarily choose to do sign-out every day. The mommy's stroll out of their minivans, sunglasses and all and start walking towards me. I swear it sometimes seems like this is in slow motion. Camp policy is that parents (or guardians to stay politically correct) provide counselors with an ID during sign out so we know we're no releasing the kids to someone else. Counselor policy (inspired by me) is to spit game with these mom's. I only have a couple seconds to do so. I have to think quickly.

"Yeah Hunter had a great time today, but I probably had more fun haha." Check
"Yup tomorrow is water day so make sure they have a bathing suit, towel, and a smile" Swing and a miss
"Morgan did awesome today, she helped win Irish Bocce for her team, then we celebrated with champagne." Strike 2

I'm always better than that because I usually have 20 chances to spit my game in the afternoon during sign-out and usually land 15 or so deliveries. Hopefully I'll be up to 100% by the conclusion of the summur.

This is my goal to perform with the kids by the end of the summer...

I Got My Swing Back

This summer I am a proud player on the Rhode Island Rebels baseball team. I love the group of guys that I play with. They're like brothers. However, 3/4 of them couldn't get past the first round of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader." Mind you my team is made up of rising high school seniors and college freshmen. We'll see how many of them actually stop from their busy days to read this...

A wise man once said that you have to be dumb to play baseball... oh the irony

Although baseball is a thinking man's game you can't be successful playing it while thinking. This has been my downfall ever since I was picking flowers in right field when I was in 2nd grade. I'm told that I am too smart for the game sometimes (back door brag) and that hurts my performance on the field.

Unlike some of my teammates, I take myself myself out of the game by over thinking the game. So to make myself feel less bad about myself I'll spend pre-game saying the quadratic formula in their face, or call them by the names of famous scientists. I do this because I know I'll get a response like this: "Wha' tha fuck are you talkin' bout' Ted. Im done wit skool man, I coudn't even handle that shit during the year."

Little victories.

So recently I got out of my slump. I was struggling at the dish (believe it or not) and I needed to start hitting the ball again.

Did I go for the ever popular slump buster? Na

Roids? Na

Did I make a Kenny Powers "Actions Speak Louder Than Words" training video to boost my confidence? Na


Did I eat a bowl of Tony the Tiger Frosted Flakes like any Williamsport hero would? Na

I just dumbed myself out, dropped my hands and swung like I had a pair. 270 feet later I'm standing on third base with a smile that would tickle a puppy.

So no, I didn't get my pitch back by hitting Reg MacWorthy in the fuckin' eye, but I finally got my swing back.

Music Video of Choice Goes to:
In honor of a bad/good song.....

Happy 234th Birthday

The United States is turning 234 this weekend. If Thomas Jefferson were to come back alive today, I don't know if he would be happy or not with what he created.

For instance, 15 year olds are controlling the music charts with songs sung about infants. The only men that wear stockings in the 21st century are gay ...sorry had to be done. The Declaration of Independence that they worked on for months and months was stolen by Nicholas Cage. And finally, Pittsburgh has a baseball team. What atrocities.

Our founding fathers spent countless hours fighting for our freedoms against ass hole British soldiers in the snow and rain and then created documents that would shape our countries framework for the rest of eternity all under a candle lit flame.

If Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Ben Franklin, John Hancock, Kirby Puckett and other distinguished members who wrote our constitution came back today, I would love to go to the same beach where the Corona commercials are filmed and just kick back with them as they play paper football with limes and two bottles of Corona while swimsuit models walk in front of us. Just so I can say congratulations.

But what if these founding fathers magically transported to 2010? What would you want to see? What would be interesting conversations and situations with modern day Americans?

Since I already called dibs on the "Corona beach" idea here are some others...

Music Video with Paul Wall & George Washington:
We know Paul Wall raps about his diamond studded retainers otherwise known as "grillz," but instead of another cameo Snoop Dogg verse that would almost seem like hyperbole, wouldn't you love a verse by our nation's first president? After all, he did have wooden teeth. Getting another perspective on different orthodontic apparatuses in one rap song would be very entertaining.

Thomas Jefferson doing a "Just For Men" hair commercial:
Watching TJ do anything with electronics would be hysterical because the only entertainment he had back then was pushing a wheel around with a stick. Watching Jefferson, Keith Hernandez, and Walt Fraiser talk about how take the gray out of your hair (wig) would be hilarious. Jefferson would have to go to "Just for Men" rehab because he would use it so much to take the white hair out of his wig.

Ben Franklin in a "Airplanes" Video with B.o.B and Haley Williams:
So instead of "airplanes," Franklin would use his kite. Although this situation may require a little bit of historical knowledge about how Ben Franklin discovered electricity, the line "Can we pretend that keys & kites in the night sky are shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now," would be funny. But watching Franklin in a music video struggling with his kite and key in the middle of a midnight thunderstorm would be priceless. I can only imagine the camaraderie that him and Haley Williams would have.

So as we celebrate the accomplishments of our founding fathers this weekend by lighting shit on fire, think about what it would be like if they were right next to you pressuring you to strap a firecracker to your firecracker. Or light a room full of sparklers in your grandparents beach house. Or dress up like their boy Uncle Sam all just to scare little kids. Not only would it be extremely awkward to be peer pressured by John Hancock and other revolutionary notables, it would be patriotically awesome.

happy 4th...