The Haughty Parties

As graduation dawns upon college seniors, high school seniors, third grade Meadowbrook monarchs and all other graduates, we all exult at the thought of being thrown a graduation party.

However, now that us seniors globally will be experiencing one of our last parties together, I started thinking about all the other bad parties we all have been a part of since we were old enough to go to awful parties and collect shitty party favor bags containing obvious shitty items (i.e. any fun size candy, Tootsie Rolls, and stickers).

It was always bad going to the theme parties that you were invited to when you hated the theme of the party. Anyone remembers getting the invitation in the mail from your boy Patrick and then getting instantly stoked to attend his nine-year-old birthday party because you knew there were going to be a ton of chicks there that you wanted to play tag with. However, once you flipped the envelope over to open it you notice the shiny rocket ship sticker holding the envelope together. Shit. Then you open the envelope and there it is. Your nine year old instinct proves true...Come fly into space as Patrick turns 9. "Ugh I hate space. It's not even that cool. Why can't he have a Shrek theme, or a Jimmy Neutron (yeah I just went there) theme?" you think to yourself. But the worst part is what the invitation says. Obviously Patrick's mom thought she was cool by writing out the invitation. For instance when any invitation says "Where?" on it indicating the location, the typical parent would write the address. But Patrick's mom decides to write "Mars," thinking she's hilarious. At this point you question whether you want to even go to the party or not.

However the worst was when your mom wanted to throw you a party and she wanted to invite your whole class. Your mom thought it would be awkward inviting only a few kids in the class and she didn't want any of the other kids feeling left out (but we all know the real reason that mom invited everyone in the class, it was to cover her ass at school parent meetings so no parent of their uninvited kid gave her dirty looks). However she doesn't realize you hate a third of the kids in your class. Each grade school class was broken up into thirds. You're typically tight with a third of the kids in your class and would have those kids down as A-listers on the attendance list. Then there is a third of kids in the class who you are "school friends" with. You wouldn't hang out with them outside of school, but you know they'd let you copy their homework or you know they are down to chill at recess. Then, there is the other third of kids in the class that you would want no business setting foot in your house. You either despise these kids, or you are creeped out by them because they choose to lick peanut butter off of their ruler during lunch, or isolate themselves during recess and frolick around singing themesongs to themselves. You do not want any of these kids in your house at all. You beg and plead with your mom about how she cannot invite the entire class to your house. She denies your request and the following Monday you're forced to present the entire class with an invitation.

When the party comes, the first kid to show up at your house is, you guessed it, the kid who licks peanut butter off his ruler. However, he is holding something huge. "The kid came through," you think to yourself as you marvel at the size of his gift. Turns out, you end up being boys with this kid. He becomes wicked normal as you grow up together. You become best friends and forget you ever felt skeptical towards him but you always feel awkward when he eats peanut butter in front of you...

So congrats to all the graduates out there. Go nuts at your graduation parties, and remember all of the great, awful, average, or mortifying parties that came before your grad party...

Weekly bro, and party savant:


okay maybe not.