Sorry for the brief hiatus people, not like many of you cared anything. But despite my "tough skin" and affinity for writing blogs with "witty" links, I'm back and going about as hard as clifford the big red dog in a case race...there will never be a link to depict that image.
Recently, I was poisoned with the song & dance formally known as "The Dougie." No don't worry I'm not in that much of a hole at Holy Cross where I didn't previously know about this rip-roaring rage that was sweeping across various Homecoming Dance playlists along with 17 year-old Facebook statuses, however I finally listened to the song in its entirety. Holy trix cereal (for lack of a better phrase). "Crank That" by Soulja Boy not only had a better dance, but was a better song, and that song was ridiculed by many. If someone wanted to "teach me how to dougie," I would simply have to refuse the invitation because it would just be a shot to my pride.
Other things myself, nor anyone I hope I'm ever associated with, never do...
Insest: Shit's gross dude. No one in this day in age wants to see that go on. Even Oedipus thought it was weird when him and his mom GOT IT ON. Just think if Maggie and her beloved Ferocious Beast ever did something like that, it just wouldn't be right. Another example...Louis and Ren Stevens. One of your favorite childhood shows would be ruined and you would be left questioning your entire childhood...talk about a tragedy.
Farting in Church: Unless you were Tucker Max, this guy, or Satan himself, there is no excuse for poisoning god's house with your methane. Even if you aren't relgious, it's just one of those moral things you don't do.
Attend a Clay Aiken Concert: Just not something I wouldn't want to be around....
Joining the Taliban: Uhh...yeah
Give a Press Conference for the Arizona Cardinals: Ok the NFC West is a joke of a conference, we know that. Football prowess is not something valued by certain teams, however one thing that no other organization can surmount is the press conferences given by members of the Cardinals over the years. Following an act like this that pleases an entire internet population is almost as hard as being Brett Favre.
Alright so I guess me and Julie Andrews collaborated and while she created "Her Favorite Things" that were seen in the Sound of Music, my wimpy "Not so Favorite Things" will light up the blog-world about as effectively as Christmas tree lights on a CITGO gas station.
Cream collored ponies, and crisp apple streudals...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Awkward Turtle
Yes, the awkward turtle. We all know him and love him as the hand gesture that appears in awkward situations after moments that leave people speechless because of omnipresent uncomfortable moments.
Many ask how the "awkward turtle" saying came into the lexicon of millions of adolescent males and females. However, I have the answer.
Years ago when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were forming their group that would one day take over Cartoon Network along with the mind's of avid Hot Topic tee-shirt shoppers, they contemplated the members of their group. Originally they had five turtles that made up the infamous group, however because of internal complications within the group, TMNT was left with 4 turtles.
The one turtle that experienced complications was named Arthur and he loved talking about uncomfortable things around other people. For instance he enjoyed talking about other teenage mutant ninja turtle's past relationships (specifically Donatello's) when their respective ex-girlfriends were in the room. After too many moments leaving the rest of the ninja turtles uncomfortably speechless, Arthur was kicked out and was forever called the awkward turtle...
So besides the moment when someone is talking about other's past relationships while their ex is in the room, here are a few other moments necessary for the infamous "awkward turtle" hands.
Walking in on Someone in a Single Person Bathroom: One of the worst feelings is not knowing if a public bathroom is a single or a multiple person bathroom. When faced with this moral dilemma you knock anyway, just to seem like a polite guy/gal. However, in a loud environment it is difficult to hear someone in the bathroom. So when in doubt, walk in...right? You could never be in a more awkward spot when you see a guy/gal in mid process in the bathroom with an confused look on their face.
Having Someone Else Catch you Looking at their Facebook Pictures: This only is awkward if you don't know that the certain someone is looking at your pics. Seeing yourself on someone else's computer from that infamous "Freeeeeakin Weeeeeeekend" album you never wanted to be a part of makes you feel a little exposed to the internet world to see.
Dancing After the Music Stops: Alright so put yourself in this situation guys...it's 7th grade and you just got invited to what is going to be the most bad-ass barmitzfah since this guy had his raging barmitzfah years ago. Once you get to the barmitzfah, you hear the catchy Usher music playing on the dancefloor. You and your buddies strut over to the dance floor and start dancing around awkwardly trying to impress the ladies. Soon the music hits you and you start going a little too crazy. Before you know it, you're alone on a silent dance floor and the center of attention for all the wrong reasons. Uncle Ernie and Auntie Sarah are taking polaroids left and right that will forever capture your awkwardness at your buddies barmitzfah. Just as the crowd was about to start chanting your name, the DJ cuts the music in the middle of your dance move and you are left standing thee alone. Mazel tov big guy.
So despite the other thousands of awkward moments that we can all think of, these are just a few that you will remembr next time you are ever in this type of situation. Next time you are thinking about throwing the "awakward turtle" hand gesture, remember and thank Arthur the Turtle for getting kicked out of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Try and make it through this music video...it will be worth it.
Many ask how the "awkward turtle" saying came into the lexicon of millions of adolescent males and females. However, I have the answer.
Years ago when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were forming their group that would one day take over Cartoon Network along with the mind's of avid Hot Topic tee-shirt shoppers, they contemplated the members of their group. Originally they had five turtles that made up the infamous group, however because of internal complications within the group, TMNT was left with 4 turtles.
The one turtle that experienced complications was named Arthur and he loved talking about uncomfortable things around other people. For instance he enjoyed talking about other teenage mutant ninja turtle's past relationships (specifically Donatello's) when their respective ex-girlfriends were in the room. After too many moments leaving the rest of the ninja turtles uncomfortably speechless, Arthur was kicked out and was forever called the awkward turtle...
So besides the moment when someone is talking about other's past relationships while their ex is in the room, here are a few other moments necessary for the infamous "awkward turtle" hands.
Walking in on Someone in a Single Person Bathroom: One of the worst feelings is not knowing if a public bathroom is a single or a multiple person bathroom. When faced with this moral dilemma you knock anyway, just to seem like a polite guy/gal. However, in a loud environment it is difficult to hear someone in the bathroom. So when in doubt, walk in...right? You could never be in a more awkward spot when you see a guy/gal in mid process in the bathroom with an confused look on their face.
Having Someone Else Catch you Looking at their Facebook Pictures: This only is awkward if you don't know that the certain someone is looking at your pics. Seeing yourself on someone else's computer from that infamous "Freeeeeakin Weeeeeeekend" album you never wanted to be a part of makes you feel a little exposed to the internet world to see.
Dancing After the Music Stops: Alright so put yourself in this situation guys...it's 7th grade and you just got invited to what is going to be the most bad-ass barmitzfah since this guy had his raging barmitzfah years ago. Once you get to the barmitzfah, you hear the catchy Usher music playing on the dancefloor. You and your buddies strut over to the dance floor and start dancing around awkwardly trying to impress the ladies. Soon the music hits you and you start going a little too crazy. Before you know it, you're alone on a silent dance floor and the center of attention for all the wrong reasons. Uncle Ernie and Auntie Sarah are taking polaroids left and right that will forever capture your awkwardness at your buddies barmitzfah. Just as the crowd was about to start chanting your name, the DJ cuts the music in the middle of your dance move and you are left standing thee alone. Mazel tov big guy.
So despite the other thousands of awkward moments that we can all think of, these are just a few that you will remembr next time you are ever in this type of situation. Next time you are thinking about throwing the "awakward turtle" hand gesture, remember and thank Arthur the Turtle for getting kicked out of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Try and make it through this music video...it will be worth it.
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