The only thing that I can think of right now that is better than a girl letting her boyfriend choose the movie they will be "watching" for the night is when a 65 year-old umpire throws a Little League Baseball coach out of the game after he made an atrocious call. Listening and watching the coach get his last word in about the umpire is always hilarious because the coach never makes sense because he hasn't had an altercation like this for twenty years and his lingo never flows...but hey, who doesn't love laughing at Little League coaches who take their job too seriously? Once the coach knows that he is going to get thrown out, he loses his internal verbal filter and anything goes. Although, now his son who is wearing layers of eye black, 6 multi colored wristbands (2 of which are on his ankles for some reason), and 12 different Phiten necklaces, will be repeating what he heard daddy say for the next week and a half, which is too inappropriate for me to post on my blog...we try to keep it fairly family friendly.
However, back to what I was saying about how one of the best things a teenaged guy can hear is "you can pick the movie tonight," from his girlfriend, chick, or "it's complicated" relationship. As a guy, you have to choose your movie carefully, because we all know what happens when a movie is "watched" on a couch with two people of the opposite sex. Immediately, as a guy, if you have any sense of humor what so ever you will want to watch either Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Step Brothers, Dumb & Dumber, Talladega Nights, or Dodgeball. You love these movies because you always quote lines from it with your boys, and because they are all obviously hysterical.
But wait. Think before you act.
You NEVER want to start cracking up at Will Ferrell wanting to turn his bed into bunk beds while you are making out.
Your laughing instantly kills the moment and 9 times out of 10 the girl never thinks its even that funny. Instead of watching one of your "go-to line quoting" movies, you decide to "watch" Miracle, Remember the Titans, Coach Carter, or Glory Road. By "watching" one of these sports movies you put yourself in a phenomenal situation. CAUTION, avoid movies like Rocky (1,2,3,4,5), Hoosiers, and Rudy because these could have been movies your dad used to "watch" when he pulled this same maneuver thirty years ago. (Notice the watch is in quotes because all of my readers are cool enough to know what "watch" really means without me really saying what is going on).
Guys sports movies are the girl's movie equivalent to "chick flicks." so once the movie is popped in the girl will more than likely lose all interest (we try to avoid stereotypes at tedcullinane.blogspot.com) and attention will be turned to you. And you know that there won't be any time to laugh at a joke because it's a sports movie and no moments will be killed. Hopefully the movie will be white-noise while you "watch" it, until that music scene.
Anyone who has ever watched a sports movie knows what the music scene is. It usually comes in between the time frame of 45 minutes to 1 hour. During the music scene, the team trains. Various scenes of the team running up hills, laughing while leaving the locker room, accomplishing drills in practice that they couldn't succeed in earlier in the movie, and watching the coach write down x's and o's on a blackboard are played while triumphant, motivational music plays in the background. The music scene is your favorite scene in the movie and it makes you want to be good at the sport you're "watching." You tell yourself that tomorrow you're going to go on a run and then train, but usually you're telling yourself lies because that never happens. A sports movie wouldn't be complete if it didn't have that music scene where the team trained. It makes the movie.
So next time you're with your girl and she lets you choose the movie, think before your decision and choose the sports movie because you don't want to end up ruining the night by laughing at Adam Sandler take a pitching machine ball off the chest. Just remember, NEVER stop what you're doing and say I love this scene to your girlfriend, once the music starts. That would defeat the entire purpose.
I know I said avoid all Rocky movies, but these training scenes are the best.
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Thursday, May 20, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
The Haughty Parties
As graduation dawns upon college seniors, high school seniors, third grade Meadowbrook monarchs and all other graduates, we all exult at the thought of being thrown a graduation party.
However, now that us seniors globally will be experiencing one of our last parties together, I started thinking about all the other bad parties we all have been a part of since we were old enough to go to awful parties and collect shitty party favor bags containing obvious shitty items (i.e. any fun size candy, Tootsie Rolls, and stickers).
It was always bad going to the theme parties that you were invited to when you hated the theme of the party. Anyone remembers getting the invitation in the mail from your boy Patrick and then getting instantly stoked to attend his nine-year-old birthday party because you knew there were going to be a ton of chicks there that you wanted to play tag with. However, once you flipped the envelope over to open it you notice the shiny rocket ship sticker holding the envelope together. Shit. Then you open the envelope and there it is. Your nine year old instinct proves true...Come fly into space as Patrick turns 9. "Ugh I hate space. It's not even that cool. Why can't he have a Shrek theme, or a Jimmy Neutron (yeah I just went there) theme?" you think to yourself. But the worst part is what the invitation says. Obviously Patrick's mom thought she was cool by writing out the invitation. For instance when any invitation says "Where?" on it indicating the location, the typical parent would write the address. But Patrick's mom decides to write "Mars," thinking she's hilarious. At this point you question whether you want to even go to the party or not.
However the worst was when your mom wanted to throw you a party and she wanted to invite your whole class. Your mom thought it would be awkward inviting only a few kids in the class and she didn't want any of the other kids feeling left out (but we all know the real reason that mom invited everyone in the class, it was to cover her ass at school parent meetings so no parent of their uninvited kid gave her dirty looks). However she doesn't realize you hate a third of the kids in your class. Each grade school class was broken up into thirds. You're typically tight with a third of the kids in your class and would have those kids down as A-listers on the attendance list. Then there is a third of kids in the class who you are "school friends" with. You wouldn't hang out with them outside of school, but you know they'd let you copy their homework or you know they are down to chill at recess. Then, there is the other third of kids in the class that you would want no business setting foot in your house. You either despise these kids, or you are creeped out by them because they choose to lick peanut butter off of their ruler during lunch, or isolate themselves during recess and frolick around singing themesongs to themselves. You do not want any of these kids in your house at all. You beg and plead with your mom about how she cannot invite the entire class to your house. She denies your request and the following Monday you're forced to present the entire class with an invitation.
When the party comes, the first kid to show up at your house is, you guessed it, the kid who licks peanut butter off his ruler. However, he is holding something huge. "The kid came through," you think to yourself as you marvel at the size of his gift. Turns out, you end up being boys with this kid. He becomes wicked normal as you grow up together. You become best friends and forget you ever felt skeptical towards him but you always feel awkward when he eats peanut butter in front of you...
So congrats to all the graduates out there. Go nuts at your graduation parties, and remember all of the great, awful, average, or mortifying parties that came before your grad party...
Weekly bro, and party savant:
okay maybe not.
However, now that us seniors globally will be experiencing one of our last parties together, I started thinking about all the other bad parties we all have been a part of since we were old enough to go to awful parties and collect shitty party favor bags containing obvious shitty items (i.e. any fun size candy, Tootsie Rolls, and stickers).
It was always bad going to the theme parties that you were invited to when you hated the theme of the party. Anyone remembers getting the invitation in the mail from your boy Patrick and then getting instantly stoked to attend his nine-year-old birthday party because you knew there were going to be a ton of chicks there that you wanted to play tag with. However, once you flipped the envelope over to open it you notice the shiny rocket ship sticker holding the envelope together. Shit. Then you open the envelope and there it is. Your nine year old instinct proves true...Come fly into space as Patrick turns 9. "Ugh I hate space. It's not even that cool. Why can't he have a Shrek theme, or a Jimmy Neutron (yeah I just went there) theme?" you think to yourself. But the worst part is what the invitation says. Obviously Patrick's mom thought she was cool by writing out the invitation. For instance when any invitation says "Where?" on it indicating the location, the typical parent would write the address. But Patrick's mom decides to write "Mars," thinking she's hilarious. At this point you question whether you want to even go to the party or not.
However the worst was when your mom wanted to throw you a party and she wanted to invite your whole class. Your mom thought it would be awkward inviting only a few kids in the class and she didn't want any of the other kids feeling left out (but we all know the real reason that mom invited everyone in the class, it was to cover her ass at school parent meetings so no parent of their uninvited kid gave her dirty looks). However she doesn't realize you hate a third of the kids in your class. Each grade school class was broken up into thirds. You're typically tight with a third of the kids in your class and would have those kids down as A-listers on the attendance list. Then there is a third of kids in the class who you are "school friends" with. You wouldn't hang out with them outside of school, but you know they'd let you copy their homework or you know they are down to chill at recess. Then, there is the other third of kids in the class that you would want no business setting foot in your house. You either despise these kids, or you are creeped out by them because they choose to lick peanut butter off of their ruler during lunch, or isolate themselves during recess and frolick around singing themesongs to themselves. You do not want any of these kids in your house at all. You beg and plead with your mom about how she cannot invite the entire class to your house. She denies your request and the following Monday you're forced to present the entire class with an invitation.
When the party comes, the first kid to show up at your house is, you guessed it, the kid who licks peanut butter off his ruler. However, he is holding something huge. "The kid came through," you think to yourself as you marvel at the size of his gift. Turns out, you end up being boys with this kid. He becomes wicked normal as you grow up together. You become best friends and forget you ever felt skeptical towards him but you always feel awkward when he eats peanut butter in front of you...
So congrats to all the graduates out there. Go nuts at your graduation parties, and remember all of the great, awful, average, or mortifying parties that came before your grad party...
Weekly bro, and party savant:
okay maybe not.
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