EGHS’s Onion: What is living in our Courtyard?

For decades now, Axel the Avenger has been lurking in East Greenwich High School’s courtyard. Did you know that this “hot mess” of a creature has been reading over your shoulder in the library? Did you know that Axel is the first in the class to raise his hand to answer a question asked by Señor Mack? Or did you know that he sits front row during every Ivy Day ceremony with a cap and gown on, even though he isn’t graduating?
The history of Axel started fifty years ago, during a chemistry lab, two students, whose names will be kept confidential for security purposes, mixed too much Sodium Chloride with Magnesium Sulfate. They heated the substances together and left the precipitate in the Petri dish over night. However, the students didn’t realize that they wouldn’t be returning to school for another week because school was closed for winter break. The substance was able to grow for a whole week since the Petri dish wasn’t cleaned after the experiment. When the students returned to school after the New Year, their petite precipitate in the Petri dish was now a gigantic ghoul of a creature that disappeared from the Chemistry room and slithered itself into the courtyard.
Axel strictly lives within the confines of the courtyard. He is not allowed to leave the brick walls of EGHS because he is thought to be a detriment to society. In 1989, Axel escaped from the courtyard just before last period started. He trudged his way up Avenger Drive and down Middle Road towards EG Deli. Instantly, all East Greenwich public schools shut down. Students were confined within the walls of their school and parents were urged to not leave their homes. State officials were brought in to capture Axel and put him back in the courtyard. Axel was threatened to be “put down” for safety reasons if he escaped again. However, evidence showed that Axel’s only motivation for leaving the courtyard was that he was looking for a high-five from the cashier at EG Deli.
Despite Axel’s ugly exterior, he is a genuine creature with a heart of gold. In 2003, Axel was patrolling the courtyard, bored one afternoon. Sources say that the “beloved chemical reaction” was tanning one spring afternoon when he heard a scream from the top of building. Construction workers were on top of the building fixing one of the many leaks in the roof when one of the workers slipped and was dangling over the side of the building. Acting quickly, Axel scaled the side of the building and rescued the worker from falling. The befuddled worker asked Axel if Axel was a super hero. Axel simply responded with: “Oopty Loopty Blimey Ketchup.”
Axel has been hibernating all winter and is set to wake from his deep sleep towards the end of March. There is an old East Greenwich tale stating that if Axel sees his shadow when waking up from hibernation, then each spring sports team will have a winning season.
So as you have almost completed reading this article, many of you may be wondering: “How come I haven’t seen Axel?” or “What does he look like?” or “What is going on in this article?” Well I can answer two of those questions for you. Have you ever noticed the gooey-brown substance on the ceilings? That’s Axel. These gooey-brown findings are predominantly spotted in the ceiling of room 211, or in the art wing hallway ceilings. Those are just some of his remnants that have collected within the school over the past 50 years.
As we prepare for another spring at EGHS, make sure to look out for Axel. He has been a part of East Greenwich High School history for fifty years and is a figure head within the town. If you see him in the courtyard during a photo class make sure to give him a hug and a hand pound. If you’re ever writing poetry on one of the courtyard benches, he’ll come and join you if you have a Double-Stuffed Oreo cookie for him. Unfortunately his waking will not be televised so students and faculty will be notified through word of mouth if he saw his shadow or not. So as the second semester continues and the trees begin to bloom, keep your eye out for Axel the Avenger, East Greenwich High School’s fifty-year old mascot.

Feeling Like Charlie Brown

Valentine's Day is a depressing day for many Americans. Many wonder if someone will actually go

out of there way to give you a measly card or a box of chocolates. This "holiday" has brainwashed

America. Many single swingers curse St. Valentines name and ask why he started such a vial day.

However, it could be worse. You could be Charlie Brown on Valentine's Day.

Charlie Brown's pharmacy bill must be through the roof. His depression medication bill must enormous. Whether it was the omnipotent rocks he received when he went trick-or-treating OR how his Christmas tree ruined Christmas, Chuck is never happy. And to top it all off, his psychiatrist isn't even a real doctor.

Your heart goes out to the poor bastard on Valentine's Day. Charlie Brown is never happy to begin with, but now we have to watch his misery on Valentine's Day, a day where a third of America is left unhappy because they don't have a significant other to spend $15 on. Chuck wonders if he'll get a valentine, but any Peanuts fan knows that he has no chance of getting any sort of affection from anyone else. Charlie is just lucky to get Snoopy to slobber all over his face.

So for all of you that are left single on Valentine's Day and your only date is with your remote controller and a tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, remember it could be worse. You could be Charlie Brown.

Trip Down Memory Lane

Listen to antique songs on your itunes. Look out Webster, urban dictionary, James Lipton,...I'm coining this phrase.

Antique Song: (noun) 1. Song that sits stagnant in your itunes

2. Song that was cool when you bought it, but only you played it 4-7 times

synonyms: "Middle School Song," "my old jam," any song by Hoobastank.

The "antique songs" are fun to bring back once and a while. For example, my itunes library is filled with 1,965 songs. I have purchased 1,188 through the itunes store. I have not (yet) corrupted my computer with Limewire or other programs that illegally download music, that's what college is for, right? So that means over $1,188 has been spent on miscellaneously purchased songs. What up recession.

Right now I have selected the "shuffle" function on my itunes hoping that I come across one of my infamous middle school songs, believe me I'm sitting on the edge of my seat WAITING for "I'm Just a Kid" by Simple Plan to blare through my speakers. Or better yet, "Face Down" by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. The anticipation is killing me...

Whenever these songs come on at random it makes you laugh and wonder what the hell was going on in my mind when i spent $0.99 on this song?

Other Antique Songs:

-"Kiss Me Thru the Phone" by Soulja Boy Tell em...haha

-Any Yellowcard song

-"It's Goin' Down" by Young Joc

-"Baby Boy" by Beyonce

-"Why?" by Jadakiss & Anthony Hamilton

-"Just the Girl" by the Click Five...I hate myself

The GPS Lady

Have you ever wondered what the GPS lady looks like in real life? Is she really a Swedish model named Garmin (pronounced Garmeen)? Does she sensually place her finger in her mouth every time car makes the "next left turn?" Or is the voice an old, strict Italian woman named Magellan who shakes her prickly finger every time she has to "re-calculate the route" due to construction or a wrong turn? Or is the woman who is the real GPS voice reading this article and shaking her head because my images don't depict what she actually looks like...yeah right.

Regardless, the real voice of this person must live a depressing life. Who ever thought that someone would spend more time behind a microphone than John Madden? This poor lady from these GPS companies has to stay in a room and read off pages and pages of sound bites. I just wonder what would happen if the car that she was monitoring never runs into a situation where aliens abduct half of the car, MEANWHILE a flock of sheep block half of the intersection while a 5.0 earthquake goes on under the car. "She" wouldn't know what to say, but maybe that's a good thing so she'll finally shut up.